<SPAN class=comic>Uncanny X-Men</SPAN> #191
Writer: Chris Claremont
Pencils: John Romita, Jr.
Inks: Dan Green

<h1>Raiders of the Lost Temple!</h1>

On this month's cover, Vision punches a hole in Colossus's chest while the disembodied heads of a bunch of superheroes float in grey behind them.   We open the actual story with Spider-Man (or as he's known in this dimension, "Man-Spider") strung up in front of a bunch of evilly grinning superheroes as Kulan Gath promises to exact revenge.  I feel a strange sense of comfort from this picture; anybody who cut their teeth on the Claremont run of <span class=comic>X-Men</span> is accustomed to seeing bunches of Xs with creepy mind-controlled smiles on their faces.  There's some back-and-forth banter as Spidey realizes he's the only one who speaks English, and then Kulan Gath tortures him some more.

When he gets bored with that, Kulan Gath wanders into the room where he keeps Dr. Strange and Selene, using his magic to remove Selene's mouth and then give her tentacles.  Kulan Gath likes him some hentai tentacle porn, I guess.  He then tortures Dani Moonstar and Sunder for not managing to capture the other rebels, until Sunder offers the possibility that they're hiding out in the Morlock catacombs.  Actually, they're in the hull of the NY Public Library, and they happen upon a redhead who identifies herself as Arilynn, chief archivist of the "temple."  She thinks it's the heroes who massacred all the people in the temple, but before Ororo can explain anything, the Scarlet Witch jumps out of nowhere and attacks them.  Colossus notices Vision there and detachedly thinks, "Of us all, only the strength of Colossus is his equal."  

Rogue laughs at them and makes circus yowzas as all the henchpersons' weapons break on her crystal hide, so they sic Cannonball on her.  This knocks Rogue over and a guy grabs her, which turns him to crystal and Rogue to flesh, and she's instantly killed.  Ororo goes batshit at this and starts mowing people down left and right, which gives Captain America a chance to formulate an escape plan.  Storm tells them she'll stay behind to take care of these idiots, and Warlock takes it upon himself to rescue her from the hordes.  Wolfsbane grabs on and Warlock shakes her free and she plummets to her death.  He's not terribly upset and we shouldn't be either because the entire thing is extraordinarily uninteresting.  Meanwhile elsewhere and later, the other superheroes squabble amongst themselves, Illyana berating Amara for doing jack all to help save their compatriots.  Captain America finds this meaningful and asks Callisto where the entrance to the Morlock catacombs are.

Since this comic seems to be a bunch of short and chaotic scenes, the next thing we're bombarded with is Dani Moonstar raining down a shitstorm on the captured heroes, manifesting their worst fears.  For Eros, it's a Greek tragedy of terror that he'll become massively powerful and insane and try to destroy the entire universe and all its people.  For Wasp, it's fear that she will ... turn into an actual wasp.  Really?  I mean ... <i>really</i>?!?!?  Kulan Gath stops her, for he has different plans for the two; in order to convert them to his henchpersons, he transforms Wasp into some kind of gargoyle with a headband and Eros into a toga-swaddled megababe, or so the exposition informs me.

Warlock is still trying to communicate with Ororo, but the fantasy reality they're living in is messing with the ability of a techno-organic creature to make itself understood.  Okay, that's kind of interesting.  We then switch to Ororo's point of view as she puzzles out why this demon is acting so gently and uncharacteristically of its kind, and Warlock manages to project images of the alter-universe Ororo and her mother into her head. It seems like Ororo might be on her way to shaking Kulan Gath's illusion.

Down in the catacombs, they're sitting around a fire and having storytime about Kulan Gath's origin, which is less than riveting and certainly not helped by the way that everybody looks like extras from an Adam Ant video. <table align=right cellspacing=0 cellpadding=0 border=0><tr><td align=center><img src=/images/0310/x191_1.jpg border=0></td></tr></table>  Despite Nightcrawler playing Debbie Downer as per usual, Cap concocts a plan to march up to Kulan Gath's citadel and use Rachel to Jedi mind-whammy to guards into letting them through, in a scene where they breeze through so easily it's ridiculous.  Then to complete the circle of nonsense, Eros and Wasp show up to berate the guards for being duped, and waste time killing them instead of tracking down the intruders.  No wonder Kulan Gath's bids for power keep failing, with servants like these numpties.

The group in the catacombs, meanwhile, finds themselves ambushed by Sunder and a bunch of other mind-controlled Kulanians.  Gathenites?  Whichever, Nightcrawler bamfs Sunspot into unconsciousness, Wolfsbane defies physics to grab Illyana's arm hard enough to break it while evading the sword in Illyana's other hand, and Sunder and Dani try to tear Callisto apart while tormenting her with visions of what her life could have been were she pretty.  Or a wasp.  That one's popular among we shallow females.  Arilynn, who tagged along with them, gets a whole speech about how brave and scared she is, or something.  Illyanta decides to bring some racist douchebaggery to the party by dispatching Dani with the taunt, "Your turn, chief."  Distasteful.  The second Callisto's released from the nightmare of her beauty, she kills Sunder before even thinking twice, which I find pretty hilarious, especially after she realizes what she's done and is all, whoops, oh well, you'll be avenged.  <i>You're</i> the one who killed him, Callisto!  

Back in the throne room, the intrepid hero party is leaping down from a colonnaded wall, or something, shit.  This comic makes no goddamn sense.  I feel like I need to be high to even have an inkling of what the hell is happening here; it's like the comics version of <span class=movie>Magical Mystery Tour</span>, but without the reward of Beatles songs.  Then a bunch of Kulanians attack them, since it's obviously a trap.  Wasp lands on Colossus' head and starts digging her talons into him, because if history has taught us anything it's that the elementary battle tactic of knocking an enemy off you is far beyond Piotr's intellectual capacity.  Instead, he depends on Cap to knock her off, which in turn causes Cap to throw his shield and instantly lose it to Kulan Gath.

To continue the clusterfuck, all of the female members of the team are overcome with lust for Eros, Vision makes his hands intangible and sinks them into Colossus' chest, and John and George leer at a stripper while the backing band sings "Death Cab for Cutie."  Vision makes his hands solid, which causes both him and Piotr to explode and sprays Cap with shrapnel that knocks him dizzy.  This is the stupidest fight I have ever read.  Callisto and her group burst into the room then, and Scarlet Witch turns them into statues before they have the chance to do shit-all. This is about all the fail that Spidey can take, since he's strung up in the corner watching all this with a sinking heart as hero after hero faceplants in the dumbest way possible; he starts to pull free from his crucified pose despite the searing pain.  "The amulet!" Spidey hollers to Cap as he rolls across the floor, because apparently being crucified also rendered him mute, "His power resides in the amulet around his neck &#151; get it off him and he's beaten!"  

Kulan Gath mockingly informs Spidey that nobody else can understand his New Yawk accent and sics Octo-Selene on him.  But Warlock and Storm are up in the rafters, and Warlock manages to decipher this information just fine.  Since it inevitably comes down to Ororo to call an end to the shenanigans in these comics, she swoops down on Warlock-wings and tears the amulet away from Kulan Gath.  Unfortunately, the amulet is whipped from her by magic; Amara was Selene in disguise this whole time and transforms back in a truly disturbing piece of art.  <table align=right cellspacing=0 cellpadding=0 border=0><tr><td align=center><img src=/images/0310/x191_2.jpg border=0></td></tr></table>  She then incinerates Warlock and Kulan Gath before her usual speech-making and Ringo's Aunt Jessie drinks a beer and has a long dream about dinner.

Selene, yawn, wants the amulet so she can be the one who rules the world.  Warlock, still crawling about as he melts into a puddle of cheap circuits, offers to turn Ororo into a techno-organic creature like himself so she can make a last-ditch effort to defeat all of these myriad idiots.  Possibly as sick of this whole thing as I am, Ororo says hells yeah and renders Selene inert in the space of three panels.  Thank goodness.  With Kulan Gath and Selene both taking long naps, Illyana is able to restore Dr. Strange, who wastes no time informing Storm that he knew everything that was going on the whole time.  You're welcome, ass.

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Next: Legacy of the Lost!  Will it be an actual story and not endless filler?  Find out next month!

===

Pointless Logan Pandering::  Storm has a flashback about how Wolverine insisted she learn how to use a gun, lecturing that it might give her the edge in a fight one day.  Of course, he was right, because Wolverine's always right.

Best Line::  Rogue: "Gangway, suckers!  X-Men comin' through!"

Most Fitting Legacy for Forge:  Yea, he was verily All Flavours of Douche in One8